How to Stop Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

It seems that any woman who’s over the age of 21 is pestered by family, friends, society, and the media that they need to be in a relationship.

Because of this pressure, and a lack of knowledge about love and relationships, women, continue to make the same mistakes and keep looking for love in all the wrong places.

Changing the game of love

For the past 30 years, number one best-selling author, counselor minister David Essel, has been helping to educate women about healthy love versus unhealthy love, independent love, and codependent love.

Below, David offers ideas and thoughts on how women can avoid searching for love in all the wrong places and change the game of love, so it’s more in their favor, with less drama and chaos.

“I’ll never forget the very first client, a woman, that I worked with in 1990.

She came to me because she was so frustrated being single, and even though she was barely 30 years of age, she said life is passing her by.

When we talked about her past relationships, I asked her if she had seen any similarities between the different men she was choosing.

Of course, she said no, every one of them has been different; there are no similarities at all.

But that wasn’t true.

The number one similarity that all of the men she dated had was? They were emotionally unavailable.

The pattern was set, and once the pattern is set in the subconscious mind, we automatically without even thinking are drawn to people that may not be healthy for us.

But why was she drawn to emotionally unhealthy people? 

The answer to why she kept finding love in all the wrong places? Her upbringing.

While her father was a fine man, he was also an alcoholic, emotionally unavailable; he didn’t know how to handle a little girl, so he pushed her aside and made sure that her mom did most of the raising.

She never got encouragement from her father, never was told that she did great in school, or she was pretty or anything else even similar to that.

Why we look for love in all the wrong places

Millions and millions of women in the US alone go through this every year, being raised by an emotionally unavailable father.

 An emotionally unavailable father can be a workaholic, alcoholic, food addict, drug addict, or religious addict; there are so many different ways to be emotionally unavailable.

But the number one way that dads are emotionally unavailable to their daughters is their lack of encouragement, lack of praise, and lack of emotional connection with their daughters.

And it destroys our young girl’s self-esteem, although she won’t know it until she’s much older.

 Many of my female clients looking for love are incredibly smart, yet they continue to see the same pattern of choosing men that are unhealthy in their lives.

And this is how that happens: from 0 to 18 years of age, if you’re a woman being raised by a father that’s not emotionally connected, that goes into the subconscious mind, as a pattern.

It’s almost like the subconscious says, “this is what a real man looks like.“

Because that’s all you see from zero till 18, the subconscious takes that pattern and says this is the type of man that you’ll feel most comfortable with, now you will feel comfortable with that type of man because that’s how you were raised, but it will not be a healthy relationship.

Finding love in all the right places

Here’s a couple of exercises to help you part ways from the unhealthy cycle of finding love in all the wrong places:

Number one – Make a list. 

Write down a list of the ways your father may not have been there for you between the ages of zero and 18.

This isn’t about beating your dad up; it’s just looking for a logical reason for choosing men that are not a good match for you.

Number two – Acknowledge your mistakes.

Through journaling, write about the mistakes you’ve made in your past relationships to avoid repeating them!

Many of my female clients become very codependent; they will stay with a man just to have a relationship, even when they’re not being fed emotionally or physically what their needs are, they will stay instead of being alone.

Number three – Know what you need.

After writing about your role in the dysfunctional relationships, then put down a list of characteristics that you know you need to have especially emotionally, a man that’s able to communicate, a man that’s able to listen to you, a man that’s able to share his emotions as well…

Many of my female clients laugh and say, “David, there’s no man like that in the world, “but in reality, and I’m laughing a little bit myself right now, that’s not the truth. 

You’re going to have to have patience and be disciplined in your dating life with that when you see the red flags starting.

Most of the time they will start to appear within the first 90 days of a relationship, you’ve got to decide to either talk to your partner about changing the way they treat you or exiting the relationship.

 In our top-selling book, “Love and relationship secrets… That everybody needs to know!“ We go into great detail about how to use brand new dating principles and set beautiful boundaries and consequences so that you don’t ever get sucked into the vortex of unhealthy love again.

If you need help, navigating the world of love in a brand new way, reach out to a counselor to get the assistance you need.

As one of my successful clients said several years ago,

“David, if I didn’t sit down and look at my role of staying too long in relationships with men that are not emotionally available, I’d still be with someone today being treated poorly.

Because of this work, as you know by now, I found the man of my dreams, and he found the woman of his dreams. It’s been several years now, and we’re still showing love, but it would never have happened if I didn’t slow down and do the work.“

Her success can be your success today as well. Never stop learning, never stop risking, never stop growing.“

Individuals like the late Wayne Dyer highly endorse David Essel‘s work, and celebrity Jenny Mccarthy says, “David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement.“

His work as a counselor, a mind minister, has been verified by organizations like Psychology Today and has verified David as one of the top counselors and relationship experts in the world.


How to Stop Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places